lust vs. Love

I’m getting older now at the age of 37. I’m sad to say that my biological clock has ticked it’s last minute.  I already do have a son but somewhere in my hopes and dream, I imagined a family (husband, my son, me and a baby).. This didn’t happen for me.

My lingering question.. I’ve met a guy that makes me feel how it’s like to be truly alive through sex. I feel a deep connection with him each and every time we are intimate. I love the way he smells and the sound of his voice. I completely melt away in his arms. I have never been able to climax in sex all the time the way I do with him. We get along very well but it does seem that our relationship revolves around sex. I’m confused, is this just lust or love. If it’s lust then how does lust feel so good. If lust is so bad then why does it feel so good?

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How to overcome the feeling of growing up unloved? How this has effected your adult life?

Growing up as a child, I’ve never experience the feeling of love from those who were suppose to love me best and that is my parents. I never saw my mother and father express love in any form to each other as well. I started wondering if love did exist between my parents. It seemed that my father worked all the time while my mother unwillingly raised us 4 kids, cooked, clean and be a wife to my father. It was clear that my mother was not happy having to be a stay at home mom while catering to my father.  Although food, shelter, and clothing was provided for us, any type of expression of love in words and affection was never received from my parents. Words of encouragement or praise was also never heard. Instead my parents were very quick to insult, criticize and cut down. Growing up, I did anything for attention which was rare to receive so I cried and caused trouble on a daily bases which lead me to be punished by a whipping. I don’t recall all the ways I tried to get attention but I do recall being whipped on a daily basis. My mother basically did not want to deal with me growing up or at least that was the way I felt. I recall only one time my mother reached out to hug me instead of hit me. We were at the grocery store and I was crying about something. I don’t really recall what it was. Usually she would reach over with her fist and knock me in my head. Well she was about to do this when I flinched and what I felt instead was a hug. This really caught me by surprise because I have never had my mother hug me especially when I was expecting her to hit me. I remember feeling so warm inside with her hug and feeling good. It worked to stop me from crying, but sadly this was the only time I can remember my mother hugging me. I remember desperately wanting my parents love and attention but most often they were just too busy or didn’t care. I felt very unloved growing up.  Love and happiness was not a theme in my family growing up.

I’m now 37 years old. Looking back, I now understand why I’m so broken. I never thought I wanted a family or to even get married. I dated and slept with more guys then I can count while never having or even wanting any form of commitment. I did have one relationship that lasted two years at the age of 19 to a guy addicted to drugs and who came from a broken family full of abuse. Surprisingly he was always very sweet to me and never laid a hand on me.  He was my only long term relationship that lasted more then 3 months which seemed to be my record.  I was even impregnated by a one night stand and decided to keep the baby. I’m now a single mother to a 9 years old who I have raised with the help of my family since he was born. I’m so grateful for the support of my family.

At the age of 33, god has truly blessed me with the feeling of happiness and family. I met a guy, and for the first time, I experienced what it was like to be a family filled with love. We dated for ten months without him wanting any true commitment with me but for the ten months we dated, he was truly excellent with my son. I have never seen my son so happy which made me happier then anything I have ever experienced.  Sadly the relationship ended due to his unwillingness to commit, and to my surprise, my strong desires for commitment.  :(.. I was sad for a very long time but was also grateful to learn that happiness does or can exist in a family. The time I dated him, I develop an extreme case of anxiety. I could not sleep or eat and woke up with knots in my stomach.  I lost a significant amount of weight and my face broke out badly. Luckily I worked at a job that provided free therapy. I had an enormous fear of love and felt undeserving of it. I also had a huge fear that he would leave me.  My fear of him leaving me did materialize. During my therapy session, I was able to expressed the feeling of badly wanting to feel love and protection from my parents which I never received.  I knew that deep inside of me I had the feeling that I did not deserve to be loved. I could not get myself to say, ” I deserve Love”.  My childhood pain ran so deep that if I expressed my desire to be loved, it will kill me with hurt. I just felt such a deep feeling that I did not deserve to be loved.

Being a single mother now to my son, I’ve made it a point to really express love to my son through hugs, kisses, and words. I want him to feel the love and protection that I rarely felt growing up. I’ve really worked hard to provide us a good life filled with happiness.

At the age of 37, I’m still single and have always had trouble meeting and feeling comfortable with men on a long term basis.  I have been told that I am cold. This is no surprise to me because I do have fear and a wall built up so high and strong that no man can penetrate or knock down. The problem is this wall keeps out the love that I desperately seek.  I don’t even know how to begin to knock down this wall. I desperately want to knock down this wall to allow love and friendship to enter into my life. PLEASE HELP ME!!! Tell me how I can bring this wall down. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I want to feel love..  I DESERVE LOVE..

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